Shadow Banned by LinkedIn?

Rythn’s Founding Father and CEO, Heisenbooger, has been effectively shadow banned by the premier professional networking ecosystem, LinkedIn, while attempting to connect with high-ranking CEOs and top executives from some of the most influential companies on the planet. When asked for a statement, Heisenbooger had this to say: “Although I’m heartbroken, confused, and hurt, I will not let this halt my destiny. LinkedIn will be handed a personal, handwritten letter expressing my grief. I wish to be alone right now—for it is my bath time.” Sources close to the situation claim Heisenbooger’s posts—which included inspirational quotes, bold networking attempts, and a now-deleted slideshow titled “How to Triple Your Worth With Eye Contact Alone”—were receiving less engagement by the day, despite being described by one intern as “wildly motivational and weirdly sensual.” At press time, LinkedIn has issued no official comment. Per Heisenbooger’s request, we are including a list of professional skills that have mysteriously vanished from his LinkedIn profile since the shadow ban took effect. These include—but are not limited to—karate chopping, illegal parking, handshakes, bull machines, Windows Movie Maker, competitive dance, and jump roping. “These were cornerstone competencies of my brand,” Heisenbooger noted solemnly. “You take away my jump rope skills, you take away my essence.” In the meantime, he has vowed to remain vigilant, stating that “Rythn cannot and will not be silenced. The grind is eternal—even if the algorithm is against me.” He was later seen walking into a candle-lit bathroom with a lavender face mask and a copy of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

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