DAGR: CHIEF OF EXORCISMS, BANISHER OF HELLSPAWN, AND CHAMPION OF FRAUDULENT YORKIE SERVICE DOGS!

When the sun sets and darkness slithers forth, when the elderly stagger out of the Temple of Satan’s midnight service with vacant stares and sulfur-scented breath, one man stands ready. A titan of the divine. A legend whispered in hushed tones through the marble corridors of the Vatican.

His name? DAGR, CHIEF OF EXORCISMS.

Born from fire and baptized in the screams of the damned, Dagr does not simply exorcise—he dominates. His rituals are not the gentle whispers of soft-handed priests but thunderous commands that shake the very pillars of Hell. His tools? Sacred oils stolen from angelic vaults, incantations so ancient the Pope refuses to acknowledge them, and a crucifix so holy it once made a demon combust just by looking at it.

But when the demons are purged and the elderly collapse, spiritually wrung dry from their diabolical dabbling, Dagr does not rest. No, his true work is just beginning.

For Dagr is not just a warrior of the light. He is also the fiercest defender of fraudulent Yorkie service dogs—those scrappy, unlicensed, allergy-ridden beasts of deception who roam Publix Supermarkets like tiny, overpriced hellhounds.

As mere mortals recoil in horror at the sight of a five-pound Yorkie scratching its flaky, dandruff-ridden haunches atop the organic kale, Dagr stands firm. He gazes upon these fluffy warriors of unregulated emotional support with pride, knowing that they—like him—answer to no authority.

A manager appears, trembling, sweating.

“Sir, your dog is shedding all over the produce,” he mutters.

Dagr turns slowly, his piercing eyes locking onto the man’s soul.

“And yet… you allow demons to roam free.”

The manager stammers. The Yorkie sneezes violently into a display of heirloom tomatoes. Dagr smiles. Victory.

Because whether he’s dragging infernal spirits from the frail bodies of the elderly or defending the sacred right of a Yorkie named Mr. Scruffles to urinate freely in the frozen foods aisle, Dagr’s mission is clear.

Where others cower, he stands. Where rules demand order, he brings righteous chaos.

And where there is darkness, there is DAGR.